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The Wrath of the Toot!

I have a love for all things dairy but sadly dairy does not love me.  In fact it hates me! The moment I cave into its wholesome goodness my stomach turns, it aches, and in the end an unnecessary aroma invades our loving home. In all honesty  a crash of gas from me  would force any terrorist from their secret hiding spot…

Last night was no different! It was a lovely meal of savory beans and brown rice. We then indulged with several slices of smoked apple cheddar for dessert. It was heavenly!  It was only within the hour, my tummy began to rumble, “Kids it’s time for bed!”

“Do we have too?”

“Yes! You have too!”

It was with that their father exclaimed, “If you don’t go now I’m sending your mother into tuck you in!”

The littlest exclaimed, “Oh! No! She had cheese! I can smell her farts!”

I looked appalled, “Excuse Me! I do not fart! Ladies do not fart!”

My oldest laughed, “I just heard you two minutes ago!”

I looked at him sternly, “Ladies do not fart. Ladies toot!”

The both ran upstairs laughing, “Ha! Ha! Could you imagine the wrath of Mom’s toot? It’s best we get to bed!”

And with that I tooted throughout the whole evening while my husband covered his nose and retreated to the basement den.

What do you call your gaseous expulsions? Do you admit to your toots?

Categories: creative writing fun funny Gas Gaseous Expulsions Humor lactose intolerance Life motherhood NaBloPoMo parenthood parenting

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Darcie Cameron is a RYT 200 who believes Yoga is a gift that is accessible to everyone with proper modifications, a patient smile and just taking the time to breathe. One of the greatest presents you will ever unwrap is when you connect your mind, body and spirit in perfect sync with your own breath. Connect with Darcie on Facebook

20 replies

  1. Oh my gosh, you did it again! I’m laughing and tooting! When we were young, I used to think only men farted because my husband could clear any room. The older I got, I discovered otherwise. Must be an aging thing for women. I’m still safe though – as I live with my husband (who hasn’t gotten any better) and two male dogs. Now I have three to blame it on! They really know the difference, I’m sure! Thanks for the laugh!

  2. Most of my friendships began with my sister’s very male, very teen group of friends while I was in college and she in late high school. Any discomfort I had with ‘fessing up to farts “wafted” away pretty quickly. 😉

    Li’l D’s actually taken to saying, “Mommy potty!” or “Daddy potty!” if either of us fart. I’ve taken to explaining we’re actually just farting, which Ba.D. responds to (in horror), “Emitting gas, Deb! Emitting gas!” “Tooting” I could “get behind,” but if Li’l D lands on “emitting gas” as his preferred euphemism, it’s all on him . . . and around . . . *cough*

      1. Tonight, circumstances occurred such that Li’l D said, “Mommy farted!” as I let myself out of his room post bedtime routine. I paused and in a moment of thought, “Please don’t be so potent that those are the last words I hear!”

        At least his windows are open!


  3. Your husband should have written this post, from the perspective of those who had to endure the relief venting of over-digestion. You should have timed this for the woman in Vegas who snubbed selecting you as a guest to their fancy night club.

    So that’s why the pooch was paws up in surrender pose, eh?

  4. HA HA HAAAA! I shouldn’t laugh because we have this in common, so I totally feel your pain. Bad, bad things happen (to me and everyone around me!) if I overindulge in anything dairy. And soy icecream? Soy cheese? Just not the same. But still hilarious!

  5. Hahaha, a fart by any other name would smell as bad. My apologies to Shakespeare. I too suffer from the same malady. I take my Lactaid and press on.

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