What Does Your Swimsuit Reveal About You?

As we lounged on the beach sipping our Moijtos an Italian Jennifer Aniston came bouncing out of the water, pulling her lounge chair directly in front of us, and with flair removed her bikini top. My husband’s face began to turn beat red and he shut his eyes tight turning to look the other way.

The expression on his face revealed  he was in an utter panic!

If I look she will make fun of me and write about it in her blog.

If I don’t look she will make fun of me and write about it in her blog.

It really was a no-win situation for him because of course I was going to write about it in my blog!

It was at that moment he let out a heavy sigh and exclaimed, “Would you like to go for a walk?”

In kindness I put down my Jackie Collin, slathered on the sunscreen, and took one last long sip of my Moijto.  On our walk I began to put several things together based on nationality and swim wear.  I could easily surmise the man in the blue thong was French Canadian, and the women in the string bikini was a modest Spaniard. It was on that  journey I created my own classification of Swimsuit styles.

Observations on Swim Suit StylesIn my assumptions I would like to point out that I did have to classify some nationalities together such as The Europeans (French Canadian, French, Italian, and Spanish). As well I would like to clarify not all North Americans are orange, flashy peacocks, but many of us staying at the resort were trying to don that fake tan ( I would also like to point out Canadians are much different from Americans with our own colorful history and are always modest to point out that we did win the War of 1812).

Well, for the Brits, they are always the best to share a drink with but are very shy in their swimwear selection.  My favorite, however, was the Russian Oligarch he sat by the beach everyday in his Daniel Craig shorts surrounded by two  beautiful women and from the looks of things they were not his daughters.

In theory this chart is full of stereotypes and I am positive someone is going to scold me for being off the mark! Perhaps, not all Brits are modest, and maybe there is a shy French Man out there lounging on the beach. Who knows? What I do know is long as there is sunshine, a beach, there will be swimsuits, and everyone will have their own style!

Are you modest Brit? Or a flashy European with your swim suit style?

The Great Fall: Jennifer Lawrence and Me

Sunday afternoon was when the great fall took place!  It happened without warning! All of a sudden  I was laughing as I began to go down the stairs and seconds later I was laying flat at the bottom of them. It was at that moment I took a very deep breath and attempted not to unleash a slew of profanities in front of my children.

After  fainting and a visit to the ER I  then watched the last of the Oscars with a slice of greasy pizza.

jennifer-lawrence-fallAs I watched Jennifer Lawrence   begin her descent up the stairs she fell and in my Tylenol 3 coma I muttered “What a beautiful dress! It’s just so beautiful! Look it even looks fantastic when she falls!”

After the announcement of Best Actor and Movie my husband decided it was best to usher me off to bed. As I dreamily stated “Ben is a really great guy!”

It was the next morning as I attempted to move that I realized Jennifer Lawrence and I both had Great Falls on Sunday except there were obvious differences in how we fell.

Jennifer Lawrence falls up the stairs and is greeted by a handsome French Actor.

I am greeted by a husband making a concerned face  “Why on earth did you wear those shoes? Sesh! It looked like it really hurt! I mean ow!”

Jennifer Lawrence receives a standing ovation from the whole academy.

My children exclaim “Wow! Mom that didn’t look good.”

Jennifer Lawrence gets whisked away to the media room holding her beautiful golden Oscar with tears of joy in her eyes.

I get whisked away to the ER and try not to cry that really awful sobbing cry.

Jennifer Lawrence I imagine then goes to fabulous parties.

I go home to the sofa consoled by  the comfort of an ice pack and fuzzy blanket.

Jennifer Lawrence (I’m assuming) goes to bed with some beautiful creature.

I go to bed with my dog who attempts to ram her paws into my back in the middle of the night.

Jennifer Lawrence is the winner!

I am really not comparing who had the worst fall  it is obvious both of us had  disastrous outcomes.  I mean it must be terrible for Jennifer Lawrence to look beautiful under such pressure and survive such a calamity. I  also know I can relate to how tough it is to get back up and dust yourself off after that last fall! Phew! It’s a lot of work!

I would also like to thank  Ben Affleck for the inspiration for the last closing lines of this post.

Do you have a memorable fall? Was it as glamorous as Jennifer Lawrence’s?

A Penny for Your Quirk

We all strive to be perfect in some shape and form in our lives. It might be from the small to the big details in life that we create certain expectations for ourselves.  But what happens when the people in our lives do not live up to our own expectations.   What happens when we being to judge our neighbors cookie eating habits? Or our best friends messy kitchen? Or maybe our Mother’s flare for wearing neon pink with a tiara?

The going gets weird

It is at those times perfect gets in the way of seeing the people we are meant to see in real life. We all have our quirk and foibles. Some of us chose to hide them and others strut their quirks with pride. It is those quirks which can be delightful eccentricities that we can grow to love in our friends and family.

At the same time the person who masks those quirks has the ability to judge the rest of us for making steps forward to be who we want to be as we try to accept who we are in the path to happiness.

It is as a friend and I sat over coffee we stumbled into a conversation.

“Why do you think she tries to be so perfect?”

“I don’t know.”

“It must be exhausting trying to keep up with the Jones?”

“Did you ever think it might be exhausting just to be you?”

“What is that suppose to mean?”

“You are judging her for trying to be perfect while you try not to care what people think who judge you?”

“So?”

“Well which path to happiness is better?”

“I don’t know. But both paths seem exhausting.”

We all try to be the best we can be  in our own little world. Some of us just try to be good, others try to look perfect, and the rest just thumb their nose at us. All I know is at the end of the day I would rather be quirky than perfect. I really believe it is too much work to dress to please and have everyone like me.

What is your favorite quirk? How do you flaunt it?

Christmas Shopping at Wal-Mart: A Seasonal Hell

As I put up the Christmas lights this weekend in -20 C weather and cursed when I realize I had lost all of my bows which looked lovely against my green garland. I did what any insane person would do on a late Saturday afternoon and wrangled up the kids for a trip to Wal-Mart.

I knew my patience was short and I had one mission to purchase my very large red bows! It was then to escape,  put up the rest of the outdoor decorations, and drink a bottle of wine.

Unfortunately, sheepish browsers blocking the main aisles in every direction were slowing down my master plan!

I did what any other hurried person would do and hit the back alley aisles hoping to make it to the Christmas department without yelling “No! You cannot have…” to either of my children.

It was when we hit the towel section – all hell broke loose!

The bane of my existence two Lovie Dovies lip smacking the middle of the Wal-Mart towel aisle. They were blocking my direct way to the Christmas department and there was nothing I could do except make a very loud cough!

Christmas Shopping Hell

It failed.

They kept smacking.

I coughed louder.

She then swallowed his tongue hole.

I rolled my eyes at my oldest son.

He was mortified and said “Gross!”

They kept lip smacking.

“Excuse ME! EXCUSE ME!”

They seemed to move a little to the side just enough for me to get my cart and my children to  pass without disrupting  their erotic moment in the sexy towel department of Wal-Mart.

The inner child in me looked at both of my sons and the exclaimed” EWWW! Gross!”

We then began to make our way pass them. But something happened. The young man was so enraptured with his tongue being rammed down this woman’s throat - he moved  one step back  as I pushed my shopping cart forward -  jamming the contraption right into the back of his Knees!

He went “Awwww! Ouch!”

I went “Oops! Sorry!”

My oldest  exclaimed “Serves them right for face sucking in such a public place.”

It was with that we made our way to the Christmas department and I picked up my lovely Christmas bows. My children both have been traumatized by this event and vow they will never kiss a girl. Sometimes an early education in the public display of affection is just enough to hold them off on liking girls for just a few more years.

Thank you Face Suckers of Wal-Mart! I think this might be  the best Christmas gift  you can give any Mom of two boys!

How do you feel about public displays of affection? Do you think there is a time and place for it?

The Attack of the Fat Sucker

As I leisurely strolled down the Costco aisle I discovered Maiden Form Fat Free Dressing Tank Top for the low price of 19.99!  I was immediately hooked and grabbed a medium!   It the cheaper version of Spanx with the promise of hiding my muffin tops that appealed to my vanity.

The next morning I decided it was time to breakout this wonderful new purchase and try it on to see if it really was fat free!

I slid it over my shoulders with ease but somehow it got tangled just before hitting my well endowed chest.

It was stuck!

I stood there trying to wiggle my arms out and fell over on top of the bed. It felt as if this fat sucker was strangling me! I couldn’t breathe and had to get it off!

In the midst of my panic “Scissors! Where are the scissors?”

I couldn’t find them!

I wondered was I doomed to be in the Newspapers the next morning “Woman strangled by Fat Sucker!”

Oh! The humility!

I calmed myself took a deep breath and tried to wiggle out again. I wiggled, hummed, hawed, stretched, jumped, and rolled!

It was amen to the heavens above! I somehow managed to break free from the fat suckers clutches!

I then held the evil contraption in my hand and looked down at the size!

“God damn it! I bought a small!”

The moral of the story is if your vanity feels the call of the fat sucker make sure to buy the right size or it could have you in its horrible clutches of doom.

Have you ever been attacked by an article of clothing?

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