The Luring Call of the Sirens

I have taken to swimming several times a week which has been great for my aching joints with the additional benefit of the calorie burn.  I also have been very vocal about finding the perfect swimsuit to keep everything in place while attempting to do the back crawl.

mermaid

On one coffee induced sunny morning it dawned on me as I reflected on my visits to several big box sports chains. The recommendations from the store employees were not for comfort or endurance  but advice on  fad colors of the season such as pumpkin orange.

It was at that moment  I heard the sirens call luring me into an over-priced swimwear boutique!

As I walked  in I was greeted by a sales associate, “How can I help you?”

“I am looking for a bathing suit that fits my long torso and holds everything in place so I can have a more comfort when swimming laps.”

“How many times a week do you swim?”

“Usually 2-3 times but my bathing suits seem to want to go in another direction from my body.”

“Not a problem. I have several that might work for you. Lets go one size-up from your frame because the do fit very snug.”

It was within ten minutes that I found the perfect swimsuit and it meet all of the requirements for this curvy girl. A nice fit, high neckline, with a flattering leg line.  I loved the style so much that I purchased a second one in a different color.

The only problem is that I did break my budget by spending  over a hundred and fifty  dreadful dollars. One of the many  treacherous hazards of  caving to the  lure of  the sirens call!

The Legend of the Cookie Dough Tapeworm

It is whenever I bake chocolate chip cookies  I have childhood memories of  trying to steal a taste of the dough from my Mother’s mixing bowl.  The whole process was a very pain-staking  because you  had to watch for her to get distracted  and leave the bowl alone for a minute in order to get a gooey taste of deliciousness.  If she came back and you were caught with the hand in the bowl then you knew you were in for the story about the tapeworm.

cookies

My Mom would glance over “Get your hand out of there! Do I have to remind you of what happened to your Aunt when she was a child?”

“No. I know”

“I don’t think you do. It was one day we were all going for a walk and your Aunt was hit by a drunk driving down the road. Do you know what flew out of her mouth?”

“A tapeworm.”

“Yes. A tapeworm and the reason your Aunt had the tapeworm in her stomach  was because your grandmother would always let her eat the raw cookie dough.”

“I know. But a little won’t hurt.”

“Fine. Have a smidgen. But don’t blame me if you get a tapeworm.”

It was with slumped shoulders defeated I would think of the drunk neighbor that hit my aunt on the side of the road. I would do anything to give him a piece of my mind for ruining the perfect treat which should be eaten by the breakfast bowl.

“Did anything happen to the neighbor?”

“No. He just got back in his car and drove off.”

The lessons my mother taught me from this story was  I was always to stand in a ditch when a car passed us on a country road because you never knew who had too much to drink  after church on Sunday afternoon.  And second the household ban on cookie dough taught me how to bake my own cookies so I could enjoy a taste of dough without my Mother’s watchful eye.

The other day I caught my son trying to put his hand in the mixing bowl trying to sample the  dough.  I looked him straight in the eye ” If you eat that you will get tapeworm. Do you want to know why?”

And that is how legends like “The Cookie Dough Tapeworm”  carry on from generation to generation.

Onion Boy and his Hot Dog

My first minimum wage job at the age of fifteen was  working the late shift  at a small town convenience store .  On the night shift one of my duties was to clean the dreaded hot dog machine. I would take the hot dogs out that had been sitting there for fifteen hours, drain the water,  try not to gag, and  then clean it.

I can still smell the putrid aroma of rotting hot dogs floundering on the edge of hell. It was disgusting.

onions

Another part of that job was dealing with a wide array of customers renting and returning videos. My favorite customers were the ones who would attempt to rent a video while they had a  fifty dollar late fee for not returning the latest porn video on time.  Usually, they would blush,  give you a good  reason for it being late , and with  a “one time only” warning  I would waive the fee.

However, there was always the exception to that  rule with  the one belligerent jerk that insisted on berating you, calling you names, and then wait for you to remove the late fee.

It would never happen – I would get the very scary manager and she would tell him off.

Problem  solved! He would storm out of the store flabbergasted that: 1) He was out of line for verbal abuse 2) Expected to pay the late fee 3) And now looked like a complete asshole in front of everyone at the store.

So when I go to my local convenience store for odds and ends I remember being swamped at the cash, dealing with a wide array of people in the public, and all of the dirty jobs of keeping the store clean while working for very low wages.

Just the other day I felt lucky and popped into the local convenience store to purchase a lotto ticket.  I waited my turn in line as the clerk worked to serve each customer. It is when I heard one angry gentleman yell across the store, “Onions! Where are the onions?”

The clerk politely smiled “I will be with you in a minute.”

“There are no onions for my hot dog!”

“Just one minute, Sir!”

He huffed! He stomped! And he huffed some more! I was waiting for him to blow the store down.

As I watched his silly gesturing and anger I thought only one thing  - you sir are a huge asshole!

This  lovely clerk working by herself did not deserve to be bullied into rushing to the rescue with onions.   What I wished for this clerk was that her manager was standing close by to usher onion boy out the door.  No one deserves to be treated like a doormat over the simple case of missing onions.

So as I watched onion boy hold his hot dog all I could think of was the putrid smell and how long that hot dog had been sitting in the machine. I imagined the pain he would feel in his  stomach and  the sudden rush to go to the washroom countless times that night. One can only hope his stomach is weak!

If he had only been polite maybe someone would have warned him not to eat the hot dog.

The Horror of Shopping for the One Piece Bathing Suit

If you were to peek into my swimwear drawer you would see an array of colors in bikini and tankini styles for fun in the sun. The one piece that is missing is the dreaded Speedo bathing suit.  It’s not that I have not tried to purchase that perfect one piece but fate has it that all swimwear companies are against me!

Back to the Beach 1-1

I believe there is a swimwear conspiracy were long-waisted curvy women are doomed never to have the leisure of finding that perfect one-piece for their active lifestyle. I say this as I have gotten back into swimming my tankini’s just are meant for more fun in the sun and not swimming laps. Everything moves and I am constantly readjusting my top in the middle or at the end of each lap.

The worst part is there is someone always looking from above at all of us lane swimmers which means I have innocently flashed a lurking bystander watching from above while attempt to do my back stroke.

I dream of a one piece that goes above my chest line! The effort of struggling into the contraption is almost as bad as SPANX except once pulling the bathing suit on I would make Pamela Anderson blush because it barely covers my nipples.

So if Speedo, Nike, TYR, or any other swimwear company is listening I want you to think of me in my plight in finding the perfect one piece bathing suit. It just has to cover my breasts and keep the girls in place for one hour of swimming three times a week. If you create this miracle suit I will forever be in your debt and will an add an extra day of swimming to my routine just for you!

I Have Been Held Hostage by FedEx

It is day two as I sit and wait for a parcel to arrive.

matter of time

The condition is scarce. I have not left the house.

I have not showered.

And I was brazen by taking a chance to bake blueberry muffins. I am hoping the scent of cinnamon and blueberries will lure the FedEx driver to my house and deliver the parcel within a reasonable time.

It was only yesterday I sat and waited, doing laundry, taking care of my to do-list,  only to trace the tracking number on my computer that evening to discover they were at my house at exactly 2pm.

I was in my house at 2pm! I will tell you this! There was no knock or note on the door and there was no ringing of doorbell!

I quietly wait and lurk through the back pages of McSweeney’s.

I am getting nervous , twitchy, and wonder if I leave the comfort of my main floor – will  he appear, sneak on the deck, and run-off again with the package.  I wonder what is this FedEx drivers game?

I contacted their customer service and explained my plight. Her only advice to me was “to leave a note on the door for them to knock or ring the doorbell.” If the FedEx man does not already have the commonsense to do any of that – I wonder is he playing with full deck?

Only time will tell as I sink into the stinky abyss of my stringy hair and day old yoga pants.  I wait as time marches on. I wait for that one hope of  a knock on that door, a friendly smile asking for a signature, and the freedom to go about my day.

Please keep me you in your thoughts my deodorant is beginning to fade and the odor. Oh! The horror of the insidious odor!

Once there was a Bear and Elton John Enters the Room

Sometimes music  can be the inspiration needed to keep me writing at my desk. However, I have to be careful about my musical selection because my mind wanders to the beat of certain songs. All of a sudden that song  can become the  front and center  story smacking me right in the face.lurking bear

I discovered this as I was working on my almost bear encounter and I turned on Elton John for a little background music. I started  to write about the woman attempting not to frighten my children, whispering, and pointing up the road “Bear!”

I exclaim, “What!? Bear!” which of course frightens my children.

And then Sad Song comes on! Of course I take two minutes to sing  it into my  coffee mug. I then muse over the last time I sang this song with friends in the middle of a pub over fifteen years ago.

Now I then try to focus back on the men emerging from the woods excited over the bear.

“You can go see the grizzly right there! She is right there!”

“Ummm. No thanks.”

I clutch bear spray the bear spray can tighter,  attempting to walk back to my trailer , keeping the kids calm, without running into a bear.  The bear you know is being contained by park rangers but still it’s a bear close by in the bushes.

I then begin to write about the anxiety of the bear and then I Don’t Want to Go On with You Like That starts playing which reminds me of that one guy I dated and badly danced with to this song in a smelly bar after  sharing our second  or third grog. It is inevitable to discover years later that he was gay and that this song meant so much more to him than I could have ever imagined.

So I then go back to the bear, the thoughts running through my head, about what if we had stayed on the trail, and had run into the bear.  Of course, I have to note the British couple that we run into along the way who think “It would be charming to see a grizzly bear.”It is obvious they never watched Grizzly Adams or Legends of the Fall or read what to do if you see a bear which is posted all over the God Damn national park. So then Nikita comes on and it’s not my favorite so I skip it!

Obviously, it  goes straight to I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues which takes me back to India alone in the apartment missing my future husband who was in the final stages of finishing his engineering degree. I may have played this song, over, and over again. But don’t tell him that because I don’t want it to go to his head.

I then snap back to the bear, we make it back to the trailer,  only to discover my husband  snoring the afternoon away,  obviously not concerned about his family. I tell him excitedly about the bear, he grumbles something illegible, and rolls over to go back to sleep.

Only in the final moments of attempting to finish this blog post This Train Don’t Stop Here Anymore magically plays and I am left with a sigh. I think about everything else and I belt it out. Oh! And there was a bear. But this is what happens when I try to write and listen to Elton John at the same time.

What Does Your Swimsuit Reveal About You?

As we lounged on the beach sipping our Moijtos an Italian Jennifer Aniston came bouncing out of the water, pulling her lounge chair directly in front of us, and with flair removed her bikini top. My husband’s face began to turn beat red and he shut his eyes tight turning to look the other way.

The expression on his face revealed  he was in an utter panic!

If I look she will make fun of me and write about it in her blog.

If I don’t look she will make fun of me and write about it in her blog.

It really was a no-win situation for him because of course I was going to write about it in my blog!

It was at that moment he let out a heavy sigh and exclaimed, “Would you like to go for a walk?”

In kindness I put down my Jackie Collin, slathered on the sunscreen, and took one last long sip of my Moijto.  On our walk I began to put several things together based on nationality and swim wear.  I could easily surmise the man in the blue thong was French Canadian, and the women in the string bikini was a modest Spaniard. It was on that  journey I created my own classification of Swimsuit styles.

Observations on Swim Suit StylesIn my assumptions I would like to point out that I did have to classify some nationalities together such as The Europeans (French Canadian, French, Italian, and Spanish). As well I would like to clarify not all North Americans are orange, flashy peacocks, but many of us staying at the resort were trying to don that fake tan ( I would also like to point out Canadians are much different from Americans with our own colorful history and are always modest to point out that we did win the War of 1812).

Well, for the Brits, they are always the best to share a drink with but are very shy in their swimwear selection.  My favorite, however, was the Russian Oligarch he sat by the beach everyday in his Daniel Craig shorts surrounded by two  beautiful women and from the looks of things they were not his daughters.

In theory this chart is full of stereotypes and I am positive someone is going to scold me for being off the mark! Perhaps, not all Brits are modest, and maybe there is a shy French Man out there lounging on the beach. Who knows? What I do know is long as there is sunshine, a beach, there will be swimsuits, and everyone will have their own style!

Are you modest Brit? Or a flashy European with your swim suit style?

The Great Fall: Jennifer Lawrence and Me

Sunday afternoon was when the great fall took place!  It happened without warning! All of a sudden  I was laughing as I began to go down the stairs and seconds later I was laying flat at the bottom of them. It was at that moment I took a very deep breath and attempted not to unleash a slew of profanities in front of my children.

After  fainting and a visit to the ER I  then watched the last of the Oscars with a slice of greasy pizza.

jennifer-lawrence-fallAs I watched Jennifer Lawrence   begin her descent up the stairs she fell and in my Tylenol 3 coma I muttered “What a beautiful dress! It’s just so beautiful! Look it even looks fantastic when she falls!”

After the announcement of Best Actor and Movie my husband decided it was best to usher me off to bed. As I dreamily stated “Ben is a really great guy!”

It was the next morning as I attempted to move that I realized Jennifer Lawrence and I both had Great Falls on Sunday except there were obvious differences in how we fell.

Jennifer Lawrence falls up the stairs and is greeted by a handsome French Actor.

I am greeted by a husband making a concerned face  “Why on earth did you wear those shoes? Sesh! It looked like it really hurt! I mean ow!”

Jennifer Lawrence receives a standing ovation from the whole academy.

My children exclaim “Wow! Mom that didn’t look good.”

Jennifer Lawrence gets whisked away to the media room holding her beautiful golden Oscar with tears of joy in her eyes.

I get whisked away to the ER and try not to cry that really awful sobbing cry.

Jennifer Lawrence I imagine then goes to fabulous parties.

I go home to the sofa consoled by  the comfort of an ice pack and fuzzy blanket.

Jennifer Lawrence (I’m assuming) goes to bed with some beautiful creature.

I go to bed with my dog who attempts to ram her paws into my back in the middle of the night.

Jennifer Lawrence is the winner!

I am really not comparing who had the worst fall  it is obvious both of us had  disastrous outcomes.  I mean it must be terrible for Jennifer Lawrence to look beautiful under such pressure and survive such a calamity. I  also know I can relate to how tough it is to get back up and dust yourself off after that last fall! Phew! It’s a lot of work!

I would also like to thank  Ben Affleck for the inspiration for the last closing lines of this post.

Do you have a memorable fall? Was it as glamorous as Jennifer Lawrence’s?

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