A Mop! A Mop! A Cleaning Lady for a Mop!

I once had ambitions  just like Richard the III and dreamed of my own matriarchal  kingdom. It would be  a shiny beacon that would make Martha Stewart envious of my organizational skills. In the past week I have washed, scrubbed toilets, and de-cluttered  almost all of the closets. It was only within moments my homes squeaky clean appearance was tarnished…

The aftermath of my madness was questionable, but what lead to this madness? Was it that I gave Mr. MBA too much free rein last night when he did the laundry? Or was it  giving the kids too much freedom in their room  not policing where they put their toys and laundry? I’m unsure where or when my madness occurred but when it did everyone took cover!

I awoke this morning groggy, getting breakfast ready, packing lunches, listening to the sound of my coffee brewing in the tassimo (my one trusted friend ) it was when my little man yelled, “Mom where are my socks?”

“Your Dad put them away last night they should be in your top drawer.”

“They’re not!”

My second son, “Mine are not either!”

My husband came trudging down the stairs in his wrinkled dress pants and shirt. I gave him the once over “Did you stuff the dryer full?”

“Yes!”

“Why would you do that everything is going to be wrinkled!”

“Don’t worry I’ll fix it.”

He went downstairs and put his wrinkled clothes in the empty dryer. I thought to myself not a word just I just need my coffee.

“Mom! I still don’t have any socks!”

I wandered upstairs and looked at his room. My ears began to turn red “Where is your floor? What have you done? I just cleaned this yesterday!”

He gave me his sweet eyes, “I don’t know!”

I went back to the kitchen to discover the dog in the garbage. It was everywhere the remnants of last nights spaghetti sauce. I was biting my tongue, keeping my cool, the dog gave me the look, and took cover in her crate.

Mr. MBA reappeared smoothed out and ready to face his day! “Did you put away the kids clothes last night?”

“Yup!”

“That’s funny I can’t find their socks. I’ll go look in the laundry room.”

As I hit the bottom of the basement steps,  and entered the family room. I looked and discovered a pile of clean socks in the centre of the floor.

“Mr. MBA could you come here!”

I heard the foot steps slowly come down the stairs. “Yes!”

“What’s this?”

“It’s the kids socks.”

“Why are they in the middle of the floor?”

“I thought they could just match as they go!”

“You thought? You thought? You thought they could  match and go?”

“Is that what your mother did?”

“Well no!”

“So do you think I want to look at a pile of socks every time I watch TV?”

Mr. MBA slinked up the stairs “I think I better go now.”

All of my Better Home and Garden dreams thwarted with a blink of an eye. I felt dizzy with the onset of madness and all  I could do was declare  “A Mop! A Mop! A Cleaning Lady for a Mop!”

Have you ever been driven to madness?

Granny Panty Shopping with Mother!

The eternal high-waisted beige underwear that our aging mother’s love to wear with enjoyment, and hang on the clothesline with pride. It’s almost as if saying, “Look at me ole boys! I’m frisky in beige! Dive right in!” Unfortunately, no matter how much my mother protests that they are the most comfortable thing she has ever owned (without the exception of crocs) she would never part with her dear friend Ms. Beige.

Ms. Beige has been around for as long as I remember! These wedgie apparatuses are a pleasant reminder of butt picks and panty-lines. Every time, I find myself in the Sears Underwear department with my mother. We have this conversation:

”Mom why do you buy those things?”

“They fit me just right.”

“But wouldn’t Jim from next door prefer to see you in this.”

 As I hold up a nice vivacious red bikini cut.

“Would you stop? You are embarrassing me!”

“How could I embarrass you? All I’m simply doing is holding a red thong.  Thinking it might be more appropriate for the obvious.”

“What is the obvious?”
“Mom, do you really want me to answer this?”
“You don’t have to wear them. I know but I still have to watch you purchase them.”

“What are you the panty police?”

“As a matter of fact…Yes! And I forbid you to wear them.”

“I dare you to buy these nice silky red ones?”

“Ugh!”

“Fine! Can’t you least buy Ms. Beige in a different colour?”

“What’s wrong with beige?”

“Are you planning on ever having sex again?”

“That’s it I have had enough.” My mother than storms off to pay for the wedgie device.

I yell back, “Well, can you buy me these? Because I’m not wearing any at the present moment and I’m getting a little chaff from my jeans.”

My mother’s face turns beat red, “Have you no shame?”

“It’s not my fault you raised me!”

 At this point my mom storms out of the store. And leaves me stranded at the mall. You think she would learn by now never to take me underwear shopping. History can be a bitch and sometimes it does really repeat itself. Especially when granny panty shopping with your mother.

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